Rantings of an Inner Child

So he half confessed but the cat’s out of the bag now, we like each other, awww

But part of what I feared has already happened: I’m seeing him as a guy instead of a good friend and I’m talking less, worried of what I’ll say instead of saying what I want, thinking of what he’ll think

Here’s what happened.

I’ve been dying for the past week after his half-confessional because I didn’t know if I was was feeling for him was in my eyes love. As long as we’ve been friends I can tell he’s getting better talking to me and I like that. But I’ve gone to him when I’ve had problems and honestly, he doesn’t really help me. Given, maybe he’ll be different now, but I’m still warry, I feel like I know him to well to put up with all his bull crap

I guess I have to love that too though hmm?

I’m such a fickle female: just 2 days ago I would have done anything to get him to like me, but now that he does I’m turned off - stupid feelings, for some reason I don’t feel like I have control. Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Ok to continue, I went over and asked for us to go on a walk, it was freezing outside but it was ok because we were walking along the river, talking. I say I’m cold, he holds me tight, I take his arm, I hold his hand. He proceeds to talk and talk and talk, untill 2am (I really should have cut him off). And here was the plan: if it went well I was contemptating sleeping in his bed that night (in his bed, no sexual things happening folks), but I wasn’t sure we were comfortable with that yet, so I went home instead.

THEN

And I saw the cute boy from my social studies tutorial still in the house library.

Infatuated by his cuteness (perhaps not physically, but he’s always excited to see me, and sits next to me in tutorial, and said I could hug him ;) - (YES HE Does the things I think a normal boy should do when they like someone!) I go to study with him knowing that if I went back to my room I’d fall asleep. Which is what I should have done because I just fell asleep in the library instead (and stayed there till 4am and proceeded to miss my spanish class the next morning). He was stressing over all the work he had, and I felt back because I’m in an easier spanish class and I was so just there so I could be around him.

Conflicted much? This isn’t fair to either of us. I don’t know what’s happening, and now I feel like I can’t even talk to one of my best friends about it because he wants to be more than friends. Maybe I didn’t want to be more than friends…

It’s soooo early to tell and I think I might just be subconsciously trying to kill my own affections.