I need to understand
It seems since I’ve been here that my arguments, my opinions, my whims are not enough as persuasive articulation to describe my actions but I need to step back and actually say what I feel and not be afraid of what people will say against it because they always do (even my mother)
I like him, I love him, I do not trust him
And I don’t want to be pressured to make the choice of seeing him as a boyfriend than from seeing him as a friend. I want to treat him like my best friend, talk to him because I can, be with him because I want to, miss him all the time. I don’t WANT to feel closed into his world because in that world I feel like a number, a girl, and generally someone that doesn’t matter and can easily be replaced in a lifetime
This is what I’m thinking when he asks: why I want to be with him
I’m not ok with that. I understand that relationships are like being best friends with the benefits of pleasurable activities, that it’s something magical. But I still see pleasure as something I’ve been safe doing because I know my emotions are not at stake.
Which is why I’m afraid that if I kiss you, I won’t feel anything even though I want to kiss you because
I want to feel connected. All your romantic words, phrases, deviations are of a boy who I can hear saying these things to someone else. I want to fall for them, I want to trust you but I can’t fall for them, they don’t feel sincere. At the same time if I believe they are then I feel like I have to question myself and why I can’t say them back. Well I can’t say them back because relationships scare me.
They don’t make sense to me.
Part of it stems from the fact that I don’t deserve to be loved because I don’t love myself.
The other part is not understanding why anyone would limit their affections to one person and not spread them out to the world to share. It’s true spreading your love makes it harder to reciprocate but I’ve found comfort in being alone knowing that my love is for all and that none is for me
So I don’t really understand why you would like me. I’ll love you back, but I’m not perfect, we don’t look like a matched couple, I do poorly in school. So why on earth would you care besides that we can talk about anything and you’re a guy and I’m a girl. You wouldn’t feel the same way if I was a boy
Affections for me goes beyond gender, desires, and relationships - and as pure it sounds it is tragically out of touch with reality. I like this type of affection precisly because it’s like Rousseau’s generality and common will, socialist almost marxist logic that we should love everyone as equals. However, to disregard the bounds in which we are born is to hurt those that find comfort in those boundaries (couples and parent child relationships) and not realize my own limitations in them. It has restricted my interactions and showing of good will precisely because it attempts and says it is not basis when it clearly is.
Even If I say everyone should love everyone else, in reality people don’t and I don’t. There aren’t enough hours in the day to love everyone. And when you love everyone and they don’t invite you to their birthday party it hurts even though I’ll still love them. It does hurt - imperfection is reality. It’s not emotionally healthy to put my heart in everyone else’s baskets and take nothing back, expect nothing back, and when given something back not to receive it.
This explains why your very nice gifts and dates have not made my heart melt because I feel like they’re simple things you do for any girlfriend, they must be normal because NO -ONE should do anything special for me. I can’t even find pleasure in being cared for. What is wrong with me?
Yes, I’m afraid to be happy.
First because when I’m happy something bad happens (karma?). so I see happiness as only moments of laughter, feelings of touch, never still. I want to love everyone precisely because then I don’t have to worry about anyone loving me back. It’s diffused, not specialized. And I can continue to hate myself slowly.
Yes perhaps this has always been the core of my hesitation: I don’t love myself, I only measure myself up in comparison to others, am lost when I can’t do this, and only feel important when I feel needed by others.
But no human can live not wanting to be loved. Your touch becomes generic, your affections lies, You can’t be truthful because that would mean I was worth something to you when everyone should be worth the same to me, even though in reality…
I want only you.
You’ve always been with someone for most of your life, so you feel at ease with them, but I have been alone and I’ve adapted to find comfort in that instead.
