Tensions of perfection
I’ve been thinking about it alot. Why am I not attracted to L as I have been to other guys and I think I figured out why.
This is a general concern only thought about because in our last few sessions I’m always worried about him, and not myself. Perhaps it will be resolved, I hope it is
He’s like my best friend - Liz (they were born in the same month)
He doesn’t inspire me to be a better person, Now I don’t know if I really need to be a better person, I don’t appreciate myself enough but looking back at my darkest hours I went to him and asked him for compassion. He would not give me compassion. Because he was to afraid of hurting me, and knew that anything he said would affect me, so he protected himself because he needed me unhurt. And when I realized this I felt better, but in that moment, I was hurt. I needed someone and you weren’t there. How do I know you’re strong enough to support me? I know I’m strong enough to love you.
You say you love me more, but I don’t think you’re strong enough to love someone truely. You don’t know ME
Though, the reason Liz is my best friend is not because I can tell her anything - which I feel I can do with L, but that even after I hurt her by pushing her away, even in my bad mood where I want to cut everyone off and I don’t tell anyone what I need because I don’t think they can help, where despair is so great that even hurting them re-enforces the pain in my heart and everything is tragically my fault, where nothing I do is right….she was still there in the end, waiting for me
I feel like to commit to him as I want to would reinforce the Me right now, the ME that I don’t love, but needs to be loved. I don’t know if I’m ready to do that but I know that even if I changed, he would still love me.
