Stubborness
A grip of fear so strong that you fear even knowing the reasons you are afraid; and you fear the things you may be fearing are childish or that they are things everyone fears. A gripping misery of depression and gloom and despair which made you forever a child fearful of a unexpected person’s touch, paranoid of being left in the dark, for some monster to come and eat you up, for the sight of a owl’s eyes, for the sight of anything unfamiliar. Extreme paranoia of separation, failure and worry which destroys any shred of self confidence, makes the voice meek, puts a voice in your head which points out your every flaw such that all you can speak about with others is your horrible life, putting them in an awkward position and leaving you to to point at yourself even more for making people suffer your misery. Misery of feeling misery spread to others. Misery in the feeling you have no-one to talk to in fear of spreading this horrid disease. You are miserable for feeling fear and you’re too miserable to figure out the source of your misery, fearing that even if you are too find out the source would you never be able to resolve it. Misery I in your lack of self-confidence to even try.
Dejection from life even if the face of possibilities. So entrenched in the fear of failure that no sense of stability, or regularity can be established. A negation of happiness.
There are some people so stubborn that they can not fail, that they will not falter to even themselves and that no problem in life can’t be unsolved. I remember that look on Sean’s face when I faced him with an opposition to his logic, and he stared straight ahead, and said: I don’t know. And I realize now he was never going to stop trying. I felt like I had won - misery was the end, it was the answer to all and the worst of all. And we may not know the solution to it’s dismantlement, we may not even understand it. But there are people soo stubborn that they feel that once it’s understood it won’t be a problem and that it not being understood is only a step to the solution. There are people so stubborn in believing that once they begin to know the source of their misery, or the misery of another, that once they begin to think of the problem they have hope. Nothing can despair them because we have the choice to let nothing despair us. Both dangerous and powerful people have used it to stay strong in the face of their own injustice, and accusations, while contrastingly people will also use their stubbornness to forever stand up against that injustice.
Self-confidence reinforced by the environment I am in. Low because everyone has a higher self-confidence and weak because it has been built on the backs of seeing people suffer. No inner self-confidence which springs from some ideology. I want to hope my existence can at least prove to be a warning to those that feel me. For I believe if there is one, there are many, and that there are many like me - who have discovered their own consciousness and hate it. Can people have feelings?
My self-confidence has broken my motivation and put me in a state of darkness, waiting for someone to turn the light on.
